Countdown to Skyfall: Quantum of Solace Assessed Acrostically

So just 1 day until Skyfall and it's important to remember how we got here and what came before.

Unfortunately, what came before was Quantum Of Solace. And it ain't great.

"Quit now", I thought, when the credits rolled at the end of this film.  

Bond has had an excellent 46-year run but if *this* is the direction we’re heading in, let’s just call it quits. We're all fucked. The film is one of the oddest in the entire series: jumpy, uneasy, convoluted, part-character story, part-action movie. All in all, a bit of a mess.

Uninspiring locations punctuate this film. I mean, Bolivia? Really?

And the Paleo in Siena? It looks alright I suppose, but it's no Rio carnival or Junkanoo, is it?! Long gone, it seems, when they actually planned to have exotic locations.

Arterton cannot act. She is embarrassing in this film.

Her character is so weak and does absolutely nothing to stand in Bond's way which it is HER JOB to do. And then she shags him. It's as if she's been transported from a 1970s Roger Moore Bond film. And that raincoat makes her look like a hooker. And that stupid name...

Not even 20 minutes in to this and I was lost; yes, the plot.

So all it’s going along nicely at first: furious car chase, bit o’ business with M in a sewer, rooftop chase, quick stop at The Barbican. Then, (almost) suddenly Bond is beating the shit out of some guy in a Bolivian hotel room, getting into a car with a strange woman and - what - is he supposed to kill her? Then there are some docks, the first look at our villain and then a general arrives in a speedboat. All this while Dame Judi is trying to act in front of bafflingly twatty white-on-white computer graphics. And THAT's just the first 25 or so minutes. Crazy.

The chase, fight and action sequences are almost top-notch.

In fact, I found them much better on my most recent viewing than I remember. The stand-out ones are the rooftop chase in Siena and the final fight in the hotel. The opera scene features below.

Uh-oh, someone’s been playing too many video games.

And, yes, that's you, Marc Forster. I absolutely loved Finding Neverland but QoS does not paint him in a good light. At times his direction is amateurish and his editing too abrupt. Without wishing to sound too old-gittish about it, the camera was moving about too much. No wonder this film is the shortest one of the series... if he'd have kept a few more milliseconds in every shot the damn thing would last over 3 hours.

Mathis. What a waste. I know Bond's a killer and all that jazz but poor old Rene.

Used as a human shield and dumped in a bin. With friends like that...

Olga Kurylenko is what makes this film worth watching.

Camille's back story - as tortuous as it is to follow - is at least credible and provides her with sufficient motivation to pursue General Medrano. Her performance is tough and vulnerable. And I quite like the fact that she doesn't sleep with Bond at the end. It would have been too easy.

Follow this link if you want to know about the theme tune (it’s no. 9)

Some of it I liked, in particular the way Bond and Camille's stories intertwine.

When they arrive in the desert towards the end, they are both within reaching distance of their prey. And after the big fight, I really enjoyed the car scene where they're coming to terms with their futures. Lots of dramatic pauses. Juicy stuff.

Opera is not Bond’s usual cup of tea, but the scenes at Bregenz are pure class.

Bond looks extra suave in his tuxedo and I love when he and Greene's entourage lock eyes and there's a momentary silent stand-off before the action resumes. It's a decent shoot-out too.

Looking uncomfortable, Mathieu Amalric is creepy but unconvincing as Dominic Greene.

He's a callous shit but it's hard to swallow that anyone would believe his story of being an environmental entrepreneur. Hardly a classic Bond villain, more in your Mr Big/Brad Whittaker territory.

A couple of nice nods, I noticed, to The Spy Who Loved Me in this film.

I don't know why Spy was singled out for homage, and it's not entirely unwelcome. The first is Bond's Universal Exports cover name at the docks - Robert Sterling - the same as in Spy. The second one comes at the opera in Bregenz when a henchman is hanging off a building clinging to Bond. Bond ruthlessly knocks his hand away sending him crashing down. I liked that.

Call me old-fashioned but I like my Bond title sequences to at least be legible.

And designed by Daniel Kleinman. Apparently, director Marc Forster wanted his title people of choice, MK12, for this film. And there, ladies and gentlemen, you have the perfect metaphor for this whole film: Marc Forster wanted it his way and his way was crap. I mean, really crap. Thankfully, Mr Kleinman is back for Skyfall.

Ending strongly with the Vesper storyline, Quantum Of Solace is really up and down.

After Casino Royale, the franchise needed continuity but instead Marc Forster got carried away; he tried to reboot the already-rebooted. In wanting to give Bond another shot in the arm, he instead shot him in the foot. And there he is, metaphorically limping across the screen for everyone to see while diehard Bond fans cringe with embarrassment.

Countdown to Skyfall: 3 Days

Best. Email. Ever.

Jealousy is a terrible thing, but seeing my Twitter timeline earlier this evening, it was hard to avoid.

Quite a few of the people I follow were lucky enough to be at the Royal Premiere of Skyfall.

The shits.

It's hard to explain how much I'm looking forward to this film; in fact, I need it. I need it to restore my faith in the Bond franchise after the wobble-fest that was Quantum Of Solace.

After watching that film for the first time, my friends asked what I thought of it.

I was genuinely speechless. It just didn't hang together. My faith in the future of Bond wavered, and has done for some years since.

But the signs for Skyfall are very much brighter. The same Twitter timeline that incited jealousy has also been filled with overwhelmingly positive comments from those lucky enough to have already seen it at previews.

Again - the shits.

In some ridiculous personal challenge to myself, I have successfully avoided ALL trailers for the film and avoided (as best I can) all still shots. In fact, I almost crashed the car last night when I switched on Radio 4's Front Row to find them talking about it.

So what will Friday bring? I have already pre-warned colleagues and friends I may lose control of my bodily functions with excitement.

I just hope BEYOND ANYTHING ELSE that I'm speechless all over again, this time because it's frickin' awesome.

An Octopussy Odyssey

Octopussy's gaff innit

When planning my travels around India in 2009, there were a few sights I could not miss off my itinerary.

The Taj Mahal, Mumbai and, of course, Udaipur - aka the place where they filmed Octopussy.

For a Bond fan it is a pretty remarkable place. The guide books are true: they really do play the film in restaurants every single night. The waiters must be furious with the flawed script and plot defects.

Of course, as soon as I arrived in Udaipur (via a sweaty and snory overnight train from Ahmedabad) I just wanted to see with my own eyes Octopussy's palace, the 'floating palace' in the middle of Lake Pichola.

But first I had to check in to my hotel. About two months earlier in a train station waiting room in Varanasi, I had read about a small hotel in Udaipur that had a special "007-themed" room. I had to book it.

The room was adequate but, to be honest, the only 007 thing about it was the shonky painted room number...

Never mind, I thought, and hotfooted it to the rooftop terrace for the view of the Lake Palace.

The lake was half-dry but I got the general gist: it was effin' awesome.

That night, watching Octopussy in an adjoining rooftop restaurant, was very special. During the scenes featuring Octopussy's palace, it give me a little tingle when I glanced to the left of the knackered TV screen and there it was for real.

Over the next few days, I saw as many Bond sights as I could.

The trip to Kamal Khan's house - the Monsoon Palace - was a highlight. Some way out of town, the house itself was in the middle of being refurbished and there wasn't much to look at, and certainly no Bond-related ephemera.

The main pull was actually the views of Udaipur and surrounding area. Of course, looking up at the Monsoon Palace from the town isn't bad either - especially at sunset.

That's the Monsoon Palace on the hill

Then of course, you have the hotel Bond stayed in, the Shiv Nawas Palace. It's also where Roger Moore and the crew stayed. For about a tenner, paupers staying in less glamourous hotels - such as myself - can come in and use the pool.

So to be swimming in the same pool as Sir Rog was one thing and then I realised... this pool area was where they'd filmed the Bond-Magda dinner scene.

"He suggests a trade. The Egg... for your life"

And walking around Udaipur is full of little moments when you catch yourself going "Holy shit, THIS was in the film as well!".

I captured one of these moments on film below, although it doesn't look quite the same without an auto rickshaw flying over some camels.

So that's Udaipur, an exotic must for any Bond fans even vaguely passing through the area. It's cheesy and any tourist with a conscience will be a bit embarrassed how much the locals play up to being a film location 29 years ago.

But in Udaipur, just like when you're watching Octopussy, you've just got to forget logic and go with it.

Michael Schumacher: A Sort-of Appreciation

Naughty, naughty...

Formula 1 needs a villain, and for the last 20 years it has – for me – been Michael Schumacher.

An undoubted genius, he always seemed to be the man beating drivers who I supported: Damon Hill, David Coulthard and Mika Hakkinen.

But it was because he was so skilled that I hated him. “It’s getting boring, him winning everything”, I complained, deep down knowing it was only jealousy.

I mean, how dare one man so consistently win in a sport that is supposed to feed off chaos, crashes and unpredictability?

Not that Schumacher was a saint, of course. Parking his Ferrari to ruin Alonso’s pole position lap at Monaco ‘06 had me on my feet screaming for him to be banned. And the less said about Australia ‘94, the better.

Meanwhile, his air-horn-bearing fans did little to endear themselves to me; remember the 'Kill Hill' T-shirts?

Then he retired and Alonso stepped up as the pantomime villain, winning lots and following Schumacher to be the anointed one at Ferrari.

And then Schumacher came back and – to my own surprise – I was happy about it.

Sufficient time had passed for me to respect him as the super-talented driver he was and I wanted to see him race against Lewis Hamilton and an invigorated Jenson Button.

But, of course, the last 3 years have borne no fruit and these days he has to make do with chasing one or two points on a Sunday afternoon.

Retiring (again) is the best possible thing he could have done; let’s remember the man for a great – if flawed and occasionally dangerous – driver while he’s not some embarrassing old fool, pointlessly bumbling around in an HRT.