*Definitely* Sir Roger hanging on to a real airship
Okay, so A View To A Kill isn't the best Bond film. Sir Roger was 57 years old while making it and, without wishing to offend the great man, he looks his age. And yet we're supposed to believe he surfs over an Arctic lake, rides on top of a fire-truck and hangs on to an airship as it passes over San Francisco. An idle conversation about AVTAK one day posed this simple question:
How much of the film features Sir Roger Moore as James Bond?
I can tell you. It's 35%. I watched AVTAK dividing the whole film into three sections:
Bond on screen that is CLEARLY Sir Roger
Bond on screen that is CLEARLY not him
The bits where Bond is not on screen at all
Et voila...
How do I know this?
I watched the whole film very very slowly using an Excel spreadsheet to mark when Bond was on and off screen, and also whether it was Sir Roger playing 007. This viewing took around 15 hours. There followed a multitude of calculations (that took BLOODY ages), totting up the respective totals. I haven't slept properly for a week.
Of the total running time - two hours, seven minutes and 16 seconds - the character of James Bond is on screen for a total of 58 minutes and 32.2 seconds, and of that, it is clearly Sir Roger for 44 minutes and 48 seconds.
In percentage terms, Bond is only on screen for 46% of the film, and of that chunk, 77% was Sir Roger and 23% various stuntmen, stand-ins and hand actors.
Perhaps the most surprising finding is that the character of Bond is not on screen at all for one hour, eight minutes and 44.4 seconds - 54% of the film! And he's in almost every scene!
So now we know.
Next blog post idea... how many times *does* Tanya Roberts say "James!" in the whole film?
Ou... une célébration de la contribution des acteurs français qui
ont joué dans des films de James Bond
There’s always been a special deliciousness in the way French actors have delivered their lines in Bond films. Maybe it’s down to the actor, maybe it’s just the accent. Either way, they've left an indelible mark.
With the unconfirmed news that Léa Seydoux will star in Bond 24, I thought I’d look at the various contributions French actors
have made to the Bond films so far.
The films’ first full-on foray into Frenchness came in 1965 with
Claudine Auger as Domino Derval in Thunderball. Auger was crowned Miss France
in 1958 at the age of 15 (AHEM), studied drama at the Conservatoire de Paris (as
did Bérénice Marlohe - but more of her later), and gave birth to her first
child aged 49. It’s a shame she was dubbed by Nikki van der Zyl, but if you
want to hear her in her native tongue, here she is.
"Auger. It's pronounced 'oh-zhay'. Okay?"
The rest of the 60s and most of the 70s were a bit barren for
French actors in the Bond films. That is until The Spy Who Loved Me in 1977 and Nîmes-born Vernon
Dobtcheff’s turn as club owner Max Kalba (aside: how fucking annoying was the music
in the Mojave Club?). He didn’t last long before Jaws bumped him off, but I’m
sure someone would have done so eventually due to the club’s music policy.
Vernon is still working, by the way, and celebrated his 80th birthday in August.
*VERNFACT: he played an elderly Nazi in Father Ted. Proof.
Next up is the quintessential Bond villain, Moonraker’s Hugo
Drax, played by the velvety-voiced Michael Lonsdale. To the delight of the
audience, Drax revels in his verbal barbs against Bond. I think he has the best
one-liners of any Bond villain, among my favourites: “James Bond. You appear
with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season.” Judge for yourself.
"Look after Mr. Bond. See that some harm comes to him."
Given that Moonraker was mostly shot in France, it's
understandable that French actors were peppered throughout the production.
Corinne Cléry gives an adequate performance as Corinne Dufour but, again, Nikki
van der Zyl dubbed her real voice on-screen, but you can hear her (and see her
romp around on a giant hand!) here. Fellow French actor Blanche Ravalec pops up - and almost out - as Jaws’ girlfriend Dolly.
*BLANCHEFACT: she narrated the French version of Thomas the
Tank Engine.
Carole Bouquet is next up, essaying the role of vengeful Melina Havelock in For Your Eyes Only. Melina shows an understated
independence from her very first scene and is quite happily bumping off her parents’
assassin before she even meets Bond. In fact, I’d argue that character gets duller
from the moment she meets Bond.
*CAROLEFACT: she is the luckiest person alive, in that she no
longer goes out with the dick that is Gerard Depardieu.
To the mid-80s now and France is next represented by Jean
Rougerie, playing detective Achilles Aubergine in A View To A Kill. He doesn’t make it past the
soup course, but does display an excellent moustache.
In The Living Daylights, French native (although half-Dutch,
half Georgian by parentage) Maryam D’Abo shines through as Kara Milovy in spite of a nasty raincoat. With her awkward charm, she set my pulse raising a little
above average and was the reason I took up the cello for a whole week in 1988.
"You're English?"
Tcheky Karyo’s Defence Minister Dmitri Mishkin in Goldeneye in
1995 was the only main French actor to crop up in the Pierce Brosnan years
UNTIL Sophie Marceau in The World Is Not Enough.
Like Carole Bouquet, she played the wronged daughter of a
murdered father, but her complicity in his killing and her ability to beguile
and manipulate people around her sets her on another level. Marceau is a
phenomenal actor, crowned by her butter-wouldn’t-melt half-pout, her wicked
laugh as Bond chases her, and her smirking pronouncement to Bond: “You wouldn’t
kill me. You’d miss me.” Pure class.
WANTED: for crimes against Dame Judi
The Daniel Craig era has continued this superb run of hiring superlative French actors. Parkour genius Sébastien Foucan gets Casino
Royale off to a flying start, leaping off scaffolding as
Mollaka.
But while Foucan only lasts 18 minutes into the film, it’s Eva
Green’s Vesper Lynd who dominates with the sheer quality of her acting, marking
her out as one of the finest talents ever to appear in a Bond film. In Mark O’Connell’s
excellent book Catching Bullets (available here), he sums it up better than I could:
“Green plays Vesper as a sort of Evil Under The Sun chanteuse –
all 1930s gowns, hats and curls finished off with a sort of Emo-duchess poise
and Roedean accent. Enabling Craig to shape his 007, Green has the finest
acting chops of many a Bond squeeze with a curious mix of Maud Adams’ grace and
Diana Rigg’s balls”.
"Don't look at the necklace. Seriously, don't. It'll give the whole game away"
Casino Royale represented the peak of French acting involvement of the
Bond films so far. Unfortunately, Quantum of Solace's Mathieu Amalric is not as successful as
Michael Lonsdale in the Bond baddie stakes; he’s creepy but unconvincing (as I stated in a previous entry) although I concede this is more to do with the poor script and direction than
to Amalric himself.
And that brings us on to our final French actor, the criminally
underused Bérénice Marlohe in Skyfall. As a Bond film, it's definitely one of
the best, but the character of Severine is one of the drawbacks. There’s just
not enough of her, although I see how the writers didn’t want anyone to intrude
on the Bond-M-Silva dynamic and that’s a real shame.
"I've got to tap the ash of this cigarette or it'll go EVERYWHERE"
I hope this upward trend of quality French actors continues. So,
come on Babs and Michael: more Lonsdale, Greens and Marceaus please.
And so, the conclusion of my Best Bond Themes countdown from 11 to 1.
If you missed the first half of the chart, click here.
On, on.
11. Matt Monro - From Russia With Love
Suitably
dosed up to the hilt with John Barry strings, Turkish percussion and a
mystical Eastern twist, this is way above your average croon-fest. And
it is Monro's voice that is to thank, hovering above the building
melody.
The only tiny quibble is that I misheard the lyrics
for years and had written it off as total nonsense, so up until VERY
recently, I thought the lyric:
"Still my tongue tied, young pride, Would not let my love for you show, In case you say no"
was:
"Still my tongue tied, young BRIDE, Would not let my love for you show, In case you say no"
(Thanks for putting me straight, the internet)
Summary: I'm so glad Matt Monro stopped being a bus driver.
10. Shirley Bassey - Moonraker
OMG, as the kids say. This is the archetypal 70s John Barry Bond theme for me. All the best ingredients are there: lush strings, horns aplenty and deliciously nonsensical lyrics (how does a moonraker go in search of his dream of gold, I wonder?).
Shirl's back for her last turn and she's in fine form, giving a haunting, restrained performance. There's nothing rushed or forced from her, not even on the big, long notes.
Summary: Perfect accompaniment to driving on a country road at night. In the fog.
9. Jack White & Alicia Keys - Another Way To Die (from Quantum Of Solace)
Quite possibly the best thing about the whole Quantum Of Solace movie, which misfired more than a 1981 Triumph Dolomite, is this bizarre pairing of White & Keys.
I remember reading the text from my friend Kate telling me that White & Keys were doing the new Bond theme and thinking, "what the fuck?" and I still think that even 4 years on, but it sort of works for me.
Heavy guitars clash with staccato piano notes, as if they're playing up to - and making a feature of - the incongruous casting of its singers.
Summary: It's brash and tasteless in a sassy way. Just don't try to understand the lyrics. Your brain will die.
Although, every Bond fan I know prefers the Adam & Joe version:
8. Gladys Knight - Licence To Kill
Dalton went all mean and moody for this film (read my review here) and the first brassy bars set this up perfectly. With the opening bars sounding so similar to Goldfinger that they had to credit the original team, it is clearly pitched as 'classic Bond theme goes modern'.
Gladys Knight does an admirable job of making the ability to kill someone seem sultry, even romantic. My memories are slightly hampered by the fact that a friend once pointed out that it sounds like she's singing 'Licence To Kilt'. Listen. It really does.
Obsessions with kilts aside, it gave old Glad a boost to her career (even the 12 year-old cynic in me noticed at the time that a Gladys Knight and The Pips Greatest Hits CD just happened to come out after this), and LTK gave her her first Top 10 hit since 1977.
And ruddy well-deserved it was too.
Summary: Gladys does herself - and the Bond tradition - proud. Even if she does sing 'Kilt'.
7. Duran Duran - A View To A Kill
Well, what an 80s belter this is!
Fast-paced and bristling with crashing synths, it's the sort of Bond theme that actually makes me want to clasp my heads together, index fingers pointing forward, and run around pretending to be 007 himself.
I love that Duran Duran were obviously chosen as they were the biggest band at the time - and yet, they didn't fuck it up. I think they got it. They cared.
Now, the words. Don't even bother. They are silly. (Dance into the fire? Do the words 'health' and 'safety' mean nothing to you, Le Bon?)
Summary: Makes me drive 10mph faster when it comes on the car CD player. Pulse-raising.
6. Shirley Bassey - Goldfinger
Goldfinger set the standard for so many aspects of the Bond film series and the theme tune is no exception. You get the feeling that John Barry is really finding his feet with the whole brass and mute trumpets thing.
The background strings are just delicious and the whole 2 minutes 50 is over before you know it, building urgently to the final long 'GOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLDDDDD' from Shirley. Drum flourish to finish. Bam!
The lyrics are brilliant too; Shirley warns a pretty girl not to get mixed-up with that Goldfinger man (what my mum would call a 'rotten apple'). This sets up Goldfinger as a nasty piece of work before we've even met him, so painful character exposition dialogue is not required. Beautifully efficient filmmaking.
Summary: It's Bassey. It's brassy. It's classy.
5. Chris Cornell - You Know My Name (from Casino Royale)
The crashing chords at the very start of this track signal a brutal intent: James Bond is back and he's really hard.
Twangy guitars reminiscent of the original Monty Norman Bond Theme mix with menacing minor chords to create a dark anthem - the ideal way to launch a new, tougher Bond on the world.
Chris Cornell's husky grunge voice is another treat, as are the gambling and killing references in the lyrics; this Bond is going to be someone whose life - or whose enemies - could be 'gone with just the spin of a wheel'.
Summary: Edgy and brutally brilliant. Makes me want to smoke after. Then have a shower.
4. Garbage - The World Is Not Enough
Sounding more like it was written in 1969 rather than 1999, writer David Arnold revels in harps, trumpets, strings and cymbals - and the obligatory twangy guitars, natch.
The lyrics are by Don Black, who's back for his 5th Bond theme, and this is his best one.
I know it can be a bit cheesy, but I do quite like it when they manage to include key bits of dialogue into the lyrics; it just adds an extra dimension of cohesion to the whole film. In the film, the phrase 'there's no point in living if you can't feel alive' leads Bond to his real enemy, and it's great to hear it referenced in the song.
In my opinion, most of the credit goes to Shirley Manson and Garbage. Like Tom Jones in Thunderball, Shirley's voice is lingering, expressive, croony and emphatic in all the right places.
Summary: Hits the target on all fronts. Arnold's best.
3. a-ha - The Living Daylights
Okay, I admit this choice is largely sentimental as The Living Daylights was the first Bond film to see at the cinema, etc etc. But you can't deny it's a corker.
It's SO 80s it hurts, with the marriage of John Barry's orchestra and a-ha's synthesisers. Apparently this clash of old and new lead to quite a lot of real tension between band and composer, but I would argue that the two approaches nestle very nicely together indeed.
Not even the sleazy saxophone in the instrumental break can dampen my enthusiasm for this track. Nor can the nonsensical lyrics (What did you just say? 'The living's in the way we die'?)
Summary: Pacy and racy, it instantly transports me to 1987. And that's a good thing.
2. Carly Simon - Nobody Does It Better (from The Spy Who Loved Me)
"Glang. Glang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang. Glang-a-lang. Lang-a-lang-a-lang" - Alan Partridge
Simplicity is the key to the success of this song, and it being so high on my all-time great list.
A simple piano kicks it all off, followed by Carly Simon doing her best haunting voice almost acapella. Sprinkle in a few twiddly bits before a gently bombastic second verse hits you in the ears. Sublime.
From then on in, you just float along with the loungy drum line, swooping violins and Carly hitting and holding all the right notes. It builds nicely to its end with trumpets ago-go before fading out. And there you go, one pretty perfect Bond theme.
Carole Bayer Sager's lyrics are first-rate, acknowledging what we all know: nobody does it better than James Bond (not that his ego needs this kind of boost).
(The only down-side of this song is that a friend of mine used to have it on repeat while having sex with her boyfriend. Sorry)
Summary: A dream Bond theme: sexy, subtle, powerful. I could listen to it for days.
And here's Alan Partridge's assessment of the opening sequence. Genius.
And so to.....
1. Tina Turner - Goldeneye
The opening plucks are enough to get my heart beating a little quicker. Then it comes: Tina's voice describing some shadowy mythical character. Spine-tingling stuff in the first minute alone.
The chorus is a joy: all menacing with lots of percussion and twinkly
bits, like jewels falling from the sky. End of chorus: stop down. Dum,
dum, dum. Pause. Breathe. "See him move through smoke and mirrors...". Just wonderful.
Bono and The Edge wrote some colossal lyrics for this, although
I'm not entirely convinced by: "Goldeneye, not lace or leather..." Bit kinky.
But Tina steals the show here. When I found out she was going to sing the theme, I suspected they were just trying to copy Bassey, but she stamps her own authority on this. She's like a lioness, growling, stalking some hapless zebra to chase and devour (do lions hunt zebras?).
Summary: A real 'gold and honey trap' of a Bond theme. Seductive and commanding, it all heads to a big finish that leaves you breathless.
Enjoy!
So what do you think of my choices? Agree? Disagree?
Did I upset anyone by thinking Live And Let Die is shit?
Should Tina have triumphed, or should Carly come first? Or surely Shirley?
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